How to Find Balance in Non Monogamous Relationships

Sex Ed for the Modern Bed
3 min readJun 12, 2020

How do couples in an open relationship navigate in the vanilla world? How do you balance sexy activities with vanilla life?

Balance in the dictionary states “a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.” When it comes to living in an open relationship, I believe that you should do whatever feels right to you. There is no “perfect” balance or way to be in the Lifestyle.

Photo by Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash

The definition of balance is something that will vary from couple to couple. If you have kids, if you are “out” as a non monogamist, if you have a conservative career…all these things that make up “you” will determine what the right balance means for you.

For example, once you start making more friends in the Lifestyle community, things like kids birthday parties or vanilla parties come up. Some people may choose to not have these worlds cross while others may welcome the overlap and the chance to hang out with both muggle (monogamous) and LS friends. Both choices are fine!

Balancing Lifestyle activities with your primary relationship is another example. What you desire for balance can be tied into your rules and boundaries. Hall passes (playing alone) may make it easier or more difficult to balance life and the swinger lifestyle. I know couples who like hall passes because it’s easier to balance kids and play. Some have felt it took away the intimacy they craved with their partners.

What you define as balance can evolve and change too!

Just like rules and boundaries as you grow, as your relationships evolves and as you explore more so does your definition of balance. I can see this example in myself. We recorded an episode about balance in the lifestyle in 2015 and what balance meant to me then is a lot different then what it means to me now!

James and I are always redefining what balance means to us. Sometimes we feel like we are in the sweet spot and other times we feel like jugglers with 100 pins in the air! Because of this we have put into practice some guidelines in our relationship to help feel more balanced. These aren’t for everyone but they do help us and we hope it may help a few of you out there too!



Sex Ed for the Modern Bed

Helping openminded folks cultivate personal expansion and uncover how to experience pleasurable and fulfilling eroticism.